Moments

Eighteen months ago today Finn was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis.  I can't believe it's only been 18 months.  I feel like I've lived a lifetime in those 18 months.  I've learned a lot in 18 months and my perspective on life has certainly changed.  Right after Finn's diagnosis we made our blog private.  At the time I thought I would have more personal thoughts to share, but it turns out that private or not, I still can't bring myself to actually put my feelings out there for, what feels like, the whole world.  Oh, there have been many times that I've started a post and have actually almost published it, but I always stop.  I worry that maybe I haven't fully expressed myself well, or that I'll offend someone, or that I'll just be way too vulnerable.  I don't like being vulnerable!  :)

But here's what I am comfortable saying.  For me, it's all about the moments.  There are moments that I am honestly just discouraged and upset.  Those are the moments when I'm angry at Cystic Fibrosis and what I feel it has taken from me.  I'm angry for Finn and for the potential (or lack thereof) of other children.  I get jealous of friends who can make it seem so easy to decide to have a baby.  (I know it's not but sometimes it just seems unfair that the rest of the world doesn't have to worry about life-threatening illnesses when they think about children.)  Sometimes my heart just hurts.

Then there are other moments.  We had one tonight where we just watched the boys run around and tackle each other.  There was laughing and happiness for over 20 minutes.  It was great.  To see the boys love each other, giggle together, and just be boys--those are some of the greatest moments.  Yes, in that moment I thought about CF, but I was honestly thinking about how the rough housing was a great, fun way to make Finn's life better.  So, yes, my boys will be allowed to rough house and run throughout the house.  In fact, they are allowed to blow whistles and bubbles and even scream to a certain degree.  All those activities are great for the lungs.  So, I say go for it!

Most moments, I don't think about CF.  Life is slightly (ever so slightly) different for us, to be sure.  How many moms do you know that make their kids clean their hands as soon as they hit their car seat?  Or how many 4 year old boys refuse to get in a shopping cart because Mom didn't clean it yet?  But even with all of those little nuances, we are a pretty normal family doing the best we can to live a normal life.

So, it's been 18 months of ups and downs.  We have a long ways to go, but I'm hoping that there will be so many more ups than downs.  No matter what happens and what decisions are made along the way, I'm grateful for the lessons that I've learned and that I have yet to learn.  I'm grateful that Finn has come along to teach them to me.