3 Weeks until Christmas

December has been a mixed bag--good but hard and emotional.  Christmas time is a wonderful time of year.  I love the lights, the decorations, the music, and the smells.  But for the first time, my heart was touched this year and I was able to see it from the side of those who aren't as blessed as we are.  And that was hard.  I learned what it really means to "mourn with those that mourn" and I truly feel that I have been changed in a way that I never anticipated.  

This was Bree one night.  Yes, she was tired but she was also throwing a fit because it was Finn's turn to set the table and not hers.  I don't understand why my kids fight over chores!  I know I certainly didn't as a kid.  My kids see it as a wonderful to chance to help and be with mom and they all want it.  Ahhh!!

Finn attended a birthday party for his friend Ethan that first Saturday in December.  It was held at Dart Warz, a Nerf gun arena, and he had ad blast.  It was so cute watching these little ones run around with their Nerf guns.

The second week of December we had preschool at our house.  We were working on the letter M and so we glued macaroni onto our "M"s.  Our second day of preschool that week was canceled due to a 2 hour delay at the school district and then the next week we had to cancel due to illness, so this was the last day of preschool for the entire year.

This melted my heart.  Finn was looking at his returned/already corrected work from school (some of it was over a week old) and was correcting his errors.  He wanted to make sure that he had gotten it right!

This week was also a very emotional week for me.  On Monday the 5th of December, I had taken dinner to a local CF family whose son had also been diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma.  He had beaten it a year or so ago and was in remission but right before Halloween they found that he had relapsed.  This particular cancer affects the GI system, which unfortunately is also affected by CF.  We met the family as they were coming out of a CF clinic appointment and it was the first time that Finn got to meet Logan.  I hadn't planned on the meeting as we generally try to abide by the guidelines published by the CFF to keep those with CF at least 6 feet away from each other at outdoor events and to only have one with CF at any indoor event.  But because of how late the doctor appointment was running and because I needed to get back to school to pick up Kai, I had to run the food inside to them and that is where we met up.  I hadn't seen Logan in years and I was so surprised I was pretty much speechless.  I was surprised by how little he was.  Finn is small and Logan was smaller.  I figured that years of heavy medications and tough medical battles had affected his growth.  The other thing that surprised me was his spirit.  He was friendly and seemingly full of life.  His mom is a hugger and I think I hugged her a good 3 times in those 10 minutes.  When a child relapses with neuroblastoma the odds of survival are basically non-existent, and everyone standing in that room was aware of it.  I came home that night and cried myself to sleep as the reality of never seeing Logan again hit me.  I kicked myself for what I didn't say to him and for forgetting to take a picture and not giving him a hug.  I cried because a child that reminded me so much of my own son was going to die and that was just not fair.  I spent the rest of the week fairly emotional but determined to find a way to serve his family again, if needed. 

That weekend, on the 10th, his mother posted that there had been a sudden and dramatic change in his condition.  And by the time I got home from church on Sunday the 11th the family had posted that he was not expected to survive much longer.  Logan was in his final hours.  I was heartbroken for the family and for him.  He passed away later that evening.

On Saturday the 17th it was Logan's funeral.  When he was first diagnosed with cancer two years ago, his family made a video for him with the song Superheroes by The Script.  It was the perfect song for him, right down to "he's got a beast in his belly that's so hard to control".  Logan was a true superhero in every sense of the word, and so it was only fitting that his funeral by superhero themed.  It was bitter cold that day (highs in the single digits) and there was snow and ice on the roads.  It kept many from attending his funeral which was unfortunate, but it was a beautiful ceremony.  I have been blessed over my lifetime to associate with many from different faiths and to attend services for different faiths over the years.  I have found that there is so much we have in common and I often find myself nodding in agreement to the words that their faith leaders share.  The funeral was no different.  The words of the pastor touched me.  I will admit to being taken aback initially by the number of people in jeans (including the pastor--at least his were black, though!) at the funeral, but once I got over that shock, it was beautiful.  I sat with another CF mom from the community and tried my best to keep my emotions in check.  I really wasn't that successful.  Attending the funeral of a young child is an emotionally difficult situation no matter who you are.  

It was a closed casket service but there were superhero figures on the top of his casket.  There was also a slideshow from his life and wonderful memories and stories shared by those who knew him best.  I was grateful to get to hear more about this little boy that I barely knew and to be there to show the family support.  At the end of the service they opened the casket for those that wanted to view him.  Initially I left the auditorium with the other CF mom and did not stay for the viewing.  But after signing the guest book and visiting in the foyer, I found myself alone and with some time and so I headed back in.  The auditorium was nearly empty by that point and Logan was at the front, all alone.  So, I went to see him and visit with him.  He seemed so peaceful, as if he was just resting.  I could nearly imagine he was breathing and just laying there asleep.  The whole day was beautiful and touching and just perfect for a child who was truly inspirational.

My kids all dressed up as superheroes to honor Logan

My superhero costume for the funeral which I borrowed from one of the 11 year-olds in our primary.  I'm glad she chose to be SuperWoman for Halloween this year, and I'm very glad her mom is my visiting teacher.  I think I may need a costume like this of my own.

As if there weren't enough emotional goodbyes in December (one day I should blog about my experience being released from being a Primary Chorister--it was the hardest release I have ever had), Finn had to say goodbye to his 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Van Wieren, on December 20th.  After struggling through the first half of the year, his teacher decided it was best for her, and her family, to resign.  We worked so hard to help her understand Finn and his needs and we were finally seeing good results, so to have her go has been a blow.  When he returns to school on January 9th there will be a new teacher, Mrs. Gracsyzk.  I've already had a meeting with her and have to say that I am nervous. That being said, she has substituted many times for Kai's GE teacher this year and Kai says he likes her.  I'm holding out hope that she will be a good fit for Finn.  I'm not looking forward to the transition period, though.  

While this is not a good picture, the memory is a good one.  As we were going through the hustle and bustle of getting ready for Christmas Finn had a day where he wanted to be good and helpful all day.  He said it felt good to be nice and so he wanted to see if he could be nice for a fully day.  That afternonn we were at Walmart and he insisted on pushing the cart and making sure his sister was happy and entertained while we shopped.  He really was being a good brother and was having a great day.
There was another day not long after this one where it was just me and Finn at Walmart. As we parked he saw a man sitting by the entrance to the store with a large backpack, sign, and a dog.  It was obvious that he was asking for money, but I wasn't sure that he was actually asking at that moment as I'm sure Walmart would not have permitted that.  Normally they stand along the road in that shopping center.  My guess was that he was just coming out from getting something in the store and was sitting by the entrance to rest.  Finn was immediately concerned for this man and, as always, I struggled with having no cash to give to him (I normally never have cash as we are pretty much a strictly credit card kind of family).  Finn looked through the car and decided we could give the man some of the snacks we had with us.  It was a great idea (one we had talked about a few times before but had never done).  Since the end of this summer I have kept a basket of snacks for the kids for when we have to run to lessons, etc., and it's been so handy to have right there.  Finn picked two Costco individual bags of trail mix to give to him, and I added a candy cane that I had in the front from Christmas parties.  As we approached the entrance to the store, Finn walked up to the man and handed him the trail mix and candy cane and said Merry Christmas.  The man was very receptive and returned the greeting and we went on in to do our shopping.  Finn skipped through the door and was delighted that he had been able to help out.  I love that he is learning the joy of serving, even in just the little things.  He is my more sensitive child and it is touching to see him want to help those we see who may not be as blessed as we are.